one month into india

and I remember why I stopped writing last year-publicly, that is. Back home, in the States, we share, we vent, we get our emotions out. Here, a different kind of wisdom says: "try silence." Try presence. So much flows through a mind, in a mind, and we try endlessly to seam those thoughts into a creation, literally to "get them out." Does that work, or do we just feed them?

I read a story once about Allen Ginsberg, who told his teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche how he would always keep a little notebook by his side during meditation, ready to record the prevalent haikus which drifted to mind during his practice. Trunpga asked for the book, and promptly tore it up or threw it away or slapped him with it, or something equally dramatic and Trungpa-esque. "The point of meditation isn't to cling to those thoughts!" he said. Non attachment, non aversion. Not "ooo, a pretty line to add to my narrative, the one that makes a stronger ME, a facet that solidifies and strengthens my persona as creator, artist, etc."

So what am I rambling on about then? Its good to be back. The first week was bumpy: food poisoning, dehydration, Delhi. But then I remember. The practice here:

Getting away from your ego. Being inundated in a community of practitioners who live their life with transcendental purpose. Its not about creating a pretty, balanced life story where the puzzle pieces all fit together. No. Its about awakening to the fact that our true nature is completely beyond that, beyond these narratives of self that we weave. Its so easy to get caught up in that, every minute. The ego even devours the spiritual path: "Ooo, now I'm practicing more. Maybe I'll do long retreat next winter. Yes, and then next summer I'll already be in India..." And there it runs.

Living here, surrounded by wisdom from so many paths: Buddhist, Hindu, Sikh, and all aiming to annihilate the ego, the self. For too long I dwelled on how painful that was, that annihilation. I framed it in the language of loss and cringed as I felt myself being cut up. Chod! Pulverized. Coming back to this path, however, I feel again the peace that is found when we step away from those narratives of self, when we give away "my" pain and "my" happiness, when we make the whole of existence much less personal.

I used to think of "Enlightenment" as a vague concept so distant from here. But as a friend Stacey said, you start practice *she pulls fingers at chest as if opening heart* and slowly slowly, you see there's more space. You wonder, "If there's this much space, this much room, this much growth *pulls fingers wider*, how much MORE is there?" And so its like that, slowly slowly. Slowly toward awakening.

good to be back. hard to be back. fun to be back. groups are great, work is good, inspiration is prevalent. Joyful for the opportunity to walk this path.