What it means to heal

As life here begins to gain momentum, to rustle itself up from the subdued inertia of introspection, I find myself increasingly drawn to the healing arts. Since the fact that I, myself, am a conglomeration of misaligned scar tissue and hormonal/bacterial/you-name-it imbalance does not evade me, I ask the question, why? Why such an interest in well being/ayurveda, etc., when I'm such a wreck?

I'm then reminded of one of my first teachers in Nepal joking, "Are you depressed? An emotional disaster? Confused? Deluded? Great! You'll make a wonderful Buddhist!"

So in a way, I'm perhaps more interested in our collective view of "the bad." Sickness, depression, ailments, mental and physical- labeled as wrong and covered over--because that's what we do here. Instead of diving into our weakness or fear, using trials as opportunities to challenge ourselves, we cover them with painkillers and pills and churches that point the finger outside the congregation at "other".

Why am I drawn to healing? Because after a year of intense fear and confusion, the result has been immense, immeasurable, meaningful growth. Because getting sick, getting hurt, feeling 'bad', isn't just okay, it can be great. It can be the best thing ever. I'm not a sadist; I'm a realist. And the reality is that trials are a gateway, a wake up call: "HELLO!!!! You are a fragile, immeasurably precious being with infinite potential and opportunity. You can lose this in a flash. Tune in NOW. wake up."

Case study: I've had a bizarre throbbing in the veins in my neck for the past two weeks. You know, those arteries and whatnot that connect your heart and brain. Kinda important. My western doctor gave me a long name, said it was "spontaneous," will go away in a few weeks, and to take ibuprofen. I think- bullshit. My eastern teachers, more eloquent than I, would look on several levels: that all pain and joy we experience stems from our karma, and that obstacles we face are returning debts we owe for injustices and pains previously rendered. We can rejoice, then, when we get sick, and have the opportunity to purify negativity in this life. The healer I just saw addressed the many levels of health and sickness: past accidents, scar tissue, diet, lifestyle, etc. She isn't going to heal me; she's going to guide me in healing myself.

Real healing--emotional or physical--isn't a pill, and it isn't painless. It hurts. But when you understand why you undertake the struggle, when you can align your energy and purpose with a greater drive to realize wholeness for all beings, you can also find great peace and even joy in that pain.

Real healing is an opportunity to feel deeply the collective suffering of beings, as manifest in you and your particular issue, and to use that experience to gain wisdom and compassion. Real healing goes beyond the labels good and bad, and allows you to experience fully the challenge that is available to you in the moment, the lesson you have to learn. When I think of healing, I don't particularly think of myself, or anyone else, as one of those health nuts you see in a magazine who has a perfect routine and balance. Perhaps I could use more of that, routine and balance, which is on my plate for the moment, but to me its not the point.

When I think of healing, I'm not focused on "health" per say, as an outcome, but on the process of drawing value and meaning from our pains, ailments, and traumas. I think more of enabling people to make the healing process an intimate, meaningful experience that transcends self. To use the challenge as a message from --God, universe, Buddha, Guru,______-- that we have a specific lesson to learn, and are FULLY CAPABLE, in fact MEANT to learn and transcend.

That said, in this time of cleansing, digging into old scar tissues and reopening old pains, its easy to get flash flooded by frustration, agitation, and negativity. What gives hope is the shallow nature of these bursts, as compared to times past, when they are being pumped (to continue the metaphor) by meaning and channeled into growth. Does that make sense? That I could feel happy and miserable at the same time? That I might sound depleted on a certain day, but that the underlying gratefulness, acceptance, and general happiness are still there?

What a complex emptiness we inhabit.

SOHA!